Saturday, November 20, 2004

I was having dinner with my parents tonight, then as we went to shop around, I sudddenly have this lonely feeling, that there seem to be not really many people who really understands me, the real me. Why do I appear so bored everyday? Why do I like computer games so much? Not at least my parents, or else they will not insist on bringing me out to those boring shops every day, or always wanting to bring me out on tours. I really wonder...

Then I was thinking, what have I achieved this year. Have I managed to please my parents? No, for I still get nagged at for playing too much computer games. Have I managed to make my peers at least not angry with me? No, for I have offended many, from my pw mates to my schoolmates. Have I pleased myself? No, I am not really pleased with my results. I asked myself, could I have done better, could I have achieved higher marks if I have not slacked so much and wasted time on the computer games? I really dun know. Maybe I could have achieved better marks if I have studied throughout the whole year like how I study before the promos. But what is the cost of the better marks? Less enjoyment? Me going crazy? I dun know really. Am I a failure? Have I failed in achieving all my aims?

I now dun even know if I understand myself. What has caused my character? I remember that I used to be a very active, a very extrovert person. But now i look at myself, why have I become such a boring person, a person with few words, an introvert? Where have the previous me gone to? Is this a natural progression in life, or is the change in the character caused by a change in the environment?

Behind those smiles on my face, is my heart also smiling or is it bleeding? I hate concelling my feelings, but finding myself forced to. I really want to please my parents, I really want to appear strong, but my weak side is surfacing rapidly. I really hate being alone, but finding myself in an island in the middle of the ocean.

Tonight will be a sleepless night...